THE BRANDY SESSIONS / 7

Eddie does extraordinary things.

This one time he made me feel worse than a moron, by calling me a moron. I was left defenceless. The thing is, Eddie is a Christian. And as far Christians go, you’ve got to keep your left hand guessing what your right is up to.

I was sitting with this woman, a beauty, who somehow had bought into the Eddie agenda. We’d been waiting for Eddie for the last 20 minutes or so, which was unlike Eddie, as Eddie respects time unreservedly.

“What do you suppose is keeping him?” She asked. It was one of those days that one is engrossed in his matters so that nothing that does not directly affect him is of any importance. I gave a perfunctory grunt to her query, in non-committal babysitter style. But she persisted, “He said he’d be here twenty minutes ago.”

“Probably caught up with something pressing at the ONEs and TWOs…”

I caught my thoughtlessness just right after finishing my utterance.

“What’s ONEs and TWOs?”

Before I could say anything, Eddie appeared, a prepared apology for his tardiness on the lips. She was relieved, and radiantly pleased, to see him, and she addressed the question to him,

“Eddie, what’re ONEs and TWOs?” Eddie turned. The look he gave me melted the ice in my glass. I pretended interest in the floor.

The story is, Eddie approached me saying he wanted to do something for the community, to speak in community lingo, but he wanted to keep his hands guessing on his philanthropic ways, so he pled anonymity and yoked me with the day today. Another thing was, Eddie was never a fan of cheesy names, so could I come up with a name that was as obscure as possible, yet encompassing of the work therein. Considering Orphans Needing Existence and Teens Without Opportunities, I cleverly came up with The ONEs and TWOs. And we never spoke about Eddie’s affiliation to The ONEs and TWOs, not in public. Till my thoughtlessness.

“You are a moron!” He declared. “A moron with a capital M.”

I took a sip.